Let’s be honest—there’s a bit of a standoff brewing between parents and schools in our Orthodox Jewish community, and no one’s openly talking about the elephant in the classroom. On the one hand, parents send their kids to school expecting a top-tier education and Torah values, but then some don’t exactly practice what the school preaches at home. On the other hand, schools accept students and often expect families to fit into their frameworks without really understanding the dynamics of the families they serve. It’s like we’re all operating under unspoken contracts, but no one’s reading the fine print.
First off, there’s a common belief that paying tuition is a golden ticket to making demands of the school. Parents think, “I’m paying thousands of dollars, so I should have a say in everything, right?” Well, not exactly. Just because you’re footing the bill doesn’t mean the school can or should bend to every whim. Yes, parents deserve input, but the relationship should be about partnership, not a transaction. As Dorothy H. Cohen said, “No school can work well for children if parents and teachers do not act in partnership on behalf of the children’s best interests.”
Let’s take a closer look at that partnership. The second paragraph of the Shema tells us, “Take to heart these instructions with which I command you today, Teach them to your children and speak of them when you are at home and when travelling on the road, when you lie down, and when you get up, (Deuteronomy 6:6-7).” If we’re being honest, some parents send their kids to school expecting the teachers to do all the heavy lifting—educationally and religiously. But then, when the kids come home, the values that the school is trying to instill don’t exactly match what’s happening at the Shabbat table. It’s like sending your kid to a nutritionist and then feeding them candy for dinner. Consistency matters. If you’re going to enroll your child in a school that emphasizes Torah learning and moral development, that has to be reinforced at home. Otherwise, the mixed signals confuse the kids, and everyone ends up frustrated.
Now, let’s switch gears and talk about schools. Some schools act like they’ve got a one-size-fits-all approach to education. They take in families with different backgrounds, needs, and challenges, but then expect everyone to fall in line with their policies. But here’s the thing—education isn’t just about academic excellence or religious instruction. Mishlei (Ecclesiastes 22:6) says "Educate each child according to his way.” While schools may do a great job educating the child according to their needs, but what about the parents? Schools may need to meet families where they are. That might mean being a bit more flexible with offering resources to support parents who may not be able to fully align with every expectation. As long as the family is growth oriented, there is room for alignment with the school.
Another wrinkle in all of this is the lack of school choice. In some communities, you don’t have many options. So, when parents enroll their child, they may feel forced to conform to the school’s standards, even if it doesn’t fully align with their home life. Similarly, schools may not feel the need to adjust to families’ needs because, frankly, there isn’t much competition. This dynamic breeds resentment on both sides—parents feeling they’re being judged, and schools feeling like they can’t cater to every individual family.
So, how do we fix this? For starters, we need real, honest communication. Schools and parents need to sit down, not just to discuss report cards or tuition, but to have an ongoing conversation about shared values and expectations. Schools could make a greater effort to understand the realities that families are facing—whether it’s financial pressure, religious observance, or mental health challenges—and parents need to understand that upholding the school’s standards isn’t just about paying the bills, it’s about living the values at home, too.
From a Torah lens, the responsibility of educating our children doesn’t rest solely on the school. Chazal makes it clear that parents are their children’s first teachers. Schools are an extension of the home, not a replacement for it. And while schools provide essential structure and knowledge, parents can’t expect them to perform miracles in isolation.
Collaboration is key, and it starts with humility on both sides. Schools need to be willing to adjust their expectations to the real lives of their students, and parents need to stop thinking that writing a tuition check entitles them to anything and everything. If we can get both sides to move from a mindset of “us vs. them” to one of genuine partnership, then maybe we’ll start seeing the kind of growth in our kids that we all dream of. Because, at the end of the day, true education—like true partnership—isn’t about who’s in charge. It’s about raising children with the intelligence and Midot to thrive in this world. And that takes all of us.